


Goatman is a great matchmaker

by orphan_account



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Buzzfeed Unsolved Supernatural, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, hand holding, shyanexchange2k18, shyanwritingevents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 16:20:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15822546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It had been in the works for a long time. Half written then subsequently crossed out and crumpled notes before going into work, jumbled confessions recited in the mirror, requests for conversations before he changed the subject. Even when he built up the courage to do it he always ended up getting interrupted; Jen would walk in or they’d be called to set or Ryan would spill coffee all over his desk. Something always happened. So Shane had concocted the most foolproof plan he could think of. On their next case he is going to tell Ryan exactly how much he means to him.





	Goatman is a great matchmaker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gaymrorange](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaymrorange/gifts).



> This is unbetad so all mistakes are my own any canon dialog is from Buzzed Unsolved S3 E4 The Demonic Goatman's Bridge.

It had been in the works for a long time. Half written then subsequently crossed out and crumpled notes before going into work, jumbled confessions recited in the mirror, requests for conversations before he changed the subject. Even when he built up the courage to do it he always ended up getting interrupted; Jen would walk in or they’d be called to set or Ryan would spill coffee all over his desk. Something always happened. So Shane had concocted the most foolproof plan he could think of. On their next case he is going to tell Ryan exactly how much he means to him. There were less chances of interruption by coworkers and less people to witness the unshakeable Shane Madej turn into a stuttering mess when faced with his own feelings. Unless, of course, his confession wasn’t cut from the episode. Which, yeah. The internet would go nuts. But that was a risk he was willing to take. It would most likely be cut. At least that’s what Shane was telling himself. 

 

He apparently wouldn’t have to wait long as within the week he’s back on set to film the next episode. And there’s Ryan with his excited little smile and the dim realization that he really is at the point of no return. He is deeply in love with this wonderful, irrational little man. And he can’t find it in himself to regret anything. The episode starts as it always does, with a short introduction before they travel to location. Apparently this episode they’re doing their once a season “Demon Special” and it shows with how antsy Ryan is once he’s off the flight and into the rental car. It’s almost mildly amusing. Shane doesn’t enjoy seeing Ryan uncomfortable in any way, shape or form, but when there’s nothing for him to actually be afraid  _ of,  _ it’s amusing in the same way a cat being scared by a pieces of paper is. 

 

The car ride is mostly comfortably silent, but eventually but eventually one of them will have to say something. Sitting silently in a car for an hour isn’t exactly to their taste. Who knows? This might even be the opportune moment for Shane to confess his feelings. He clears his throat and looks over at Ryan. “So how ya’ feeling?”  _ Wow, way to go me most original way to start a conversation ever _

 

“Dude I’m- I’m so nervous.” Ryan laughs and looks out the window.  _ Might as well get it over with. _

 

“Well I have a confession.” Ryan looks at him and gestures for him to continue. “I have feelings- a feeling about this case.”  _ I am a fool.  _ Ryan looks amused.

 

“Oh? And what is this  _ feeling _ ?”

 

“It’s the feeling of my bullshit detector going off,” He points at Ryan “Beep beep there it goes.”  _ Goddamnit.  _ Thankfully, Ryan finds this funny and laughs again.

 

“I think your bullshit detector is broken, Shane. The settings seem to be reversed.” After this bout of banter it quiets down in the car. Leaving them both alone with their thoughts until they get to location. Shane continues to ponder exactly  _ how  _ he is going to tell Ryan that he’s in love with him since his last attempt had gone so brilliantly. He sneaks a glance over at Ryan, who seems to be content with looking out the windshield at the passing trees. It would be impossible to tell he is even nervous if Shane didn’t know his ticks. Such as the way he’s tapping his fingers in an irregular rhythm against the steering wheel and keeps glancing at the shadows under the trees. He hopes absently that Ryan won’t psych himself out too much, but he know intellectually that Ryan will probably be antsy as hell by the time they get to the bridge. 

 

They park the car on a gravel pathway near where they’ll be filming. They unload their various gear from the car before beginning the walk to the bridge. Shane scans over the top of the trees and watches the occasional bat fly overhead while they walk. It’s already almost pitch black out and it almost feels like the beginning of a horror movie.  _ Ryan probably hates this  _ he thinks, and his suspicions are confirmed when he looks at Ryan and sees how badly he is pretending not to be terrified. He keeps looking into the woods and he jumps a little every time Shane steps on a leaf. Shane is overcome with a sense of fond exasperation.

 

“Look Ry,” he says. Ryan looks up at him and they slow down their pace so they talk and walk at the same time. “I know you believe in all this stuff and are probably scared out of your mind right now, but just so you know if Goatman does exist, he will probably go for me first as I am a larger target and you have full permission to run while he eats my bones.” Ryan smiles a little at this.

 

“Thanks dude, but Goatman doesn’t eat bones.” 

 

“I’m convinced that if he’s real he will want to eat my bones.”

 

“Dude.”

 

“You can’t change my mind.” Ryan laughs and seems a little more confident, which is an improvement at least. As Shane continues to absently scan their surroundings, he spots the bridge up ahead “Hey! It’s the bridge!”

 

“Yeah I can see that. There it is. Ready?”

 

“Yeah.” They approach the bridge, which just looks like an old bridge. No demon-goat hybrids in sight. When they go to step on the bridge Ryan hesitates, so Shane stands there with him and waits for him to say something. After a few seconds Ryan speaks up.

 

“You go first.”  _ Ah, that makes sense.  _ Shane steps onto the bridge and glances around.

 

“Goddamnit” he hears Ryan say quietly, before he too steps onto the bridge.

 

“How are you feeling? You did it.” Ryan doesn’t answer as he seems to be too busy inspecting the bridge. “Well here we are. It’s very sturdy.” Ryan walks back over near where he is. 

 

“There some- pretty shitty things that have happened to people around here.” Shane jumps on the bridge making a thumping noise.

 

“Very sturdy.” Ryan continues walking around until they’re facing. 

 

“Now that we’re on the bridge, I guess I should tell you why this bridge is what it is.” Shane looks as intensely as he can at Ryan and pauses for dramatic effect,

 

“.....tell me.” Ryan looks at him with exasperation.

 

“Can you even look like a little bit worried or do you have to--” Shane makes a fake worried face. “Nevermind don’t do that.” They settle down, sitting on the edge of the bridge and the cameraman sets up for them to do the intro. He claps the clapboard and Ryan takes a breath. “This week on Buzzfeed unsolved we investigate Old Alton Bridge aka. The Goatman’s bridge as a part of our ongoing investigation into the question- are ghosts real?” Shane shakes his head as always as Ryan continues. “-However tonight this bridge and the woods beyond it are said to harbor something much more sinister-”

 

“-demons!”

 

“Yep it’s a demon. As I’ve stated before, I will only do one demonic investigation per season, so, behold! This season’s sacrifice.” 

 

“Do you even like sitting on this bridge? Do you not like-”

 

“No I don’t like it so let’s just get it over with.”

 

“You’ve got a glazed look in your eye.”

 

“Yeah I’m fucking nervous man! I feel like I’m gonna vomit.” Shane chuckles. It’s still a bit funny how psyched out Ryan gets over absolutely nothing. “God-”

“I love it!”  _ But how do I explain that I also love you? _

 

Ryan pulls out the script he had written up and begins reading from it. “In 1884 Old Alton bridge was built in Denton, Texas to connect the town of Alton to Denton. Alton was a tiny town that originally consisted of one person when it was established in 1848.”

“Those were the days!” Shane exclaims. Ryan wheezes.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“When one person could just land somewhere and say, “this is a town now””

 

“He’s law and order-”

 

“”Welcome to Shaneburg””

 

“He’s the doctor,” Ryan wheezes again after he processes what Shane said “Shh- to Shaneburg.”

 

““We’re all assholes here, none of us believe in ghosts.””

 

“Shanesville-- yeah, yeah, yeah.”

 

“Population: me.” After this round of banter Ryan continues to read from the script.

 

“It was chosen as the legal center of Denton County. After the county seat was moved to Denton residents of Alton moved to other towns and Alton eventually disappeared. The bridge is no longer usable for vehicle crossing, but lucky for us it’s available for pedestrian crossing.”

 

“”Lucky for us!””

 

“I don’t know why I phrased it “lucky for us” that… I think that I was feeling brave when I wrote this.” 

 

“Yeah, this isn’t lucky for you at all.”  

 

“No, in fact I kinda wish this bridge was torn down like Alton…. That’s the thing about this bridge no one knows why there’s this spectre of darkness li-like, just… sitting on it.”

 

“Oh, you mean the- why the demon is here.”

 

“Yeah… I’m gonna try and avoid saying “demon” as much as I can- at least-”

 

“Demon? You think a demon hears the word “demon”...”

 

“I’m not… yeah, I’m not gonna let you goad me into this, I know what you’re trying to do.”

 

““Goat” you into this?”

 

“Shut up- we’re moving on, we’re moving on.” Ryan makes a hand-wavy sort of gesture and they both get up to go swap out the batteries in their mics. As they trudge back to the car Shane notices that Ryan seems to be holding on to the back of his flannel as they walk. He subtly watches as Ryan scans the woods around them.  _ He freaked himself out again didn’t he.  _ Shane slows down his pace until him and Ryan are almost at a stop before he reaches behind himself and gently pulls Ryan’s hand away from his flannel. Shane instead laces his fingers with Ryan’s,

 

“C’mon Ry, with how dark it is we’re less likely to fall over if we hang onto each other.” After this they pick back up the pace and continue holding hands until they reach the car. Ryan let’s go of Shane’s hand to rifle through the trunk.

 

“I wasn’t sure if I was gonna use this, but now I’m glad I came prepared.” Ryan says.

 

“What are you prepared with?”

 

“Oh you’ll see man.”

 

“Why are you unbuttoning your pants?” Shane watches in shock and mild horror as Ryan 

continues to search through his pants.

 

“Don’t worry about it.”

 

“We’re in public right n- what are you doing?”

 

“Shut up!” Ryan finally finds what he’s been looking for and pulls out a water-gun and holster.

 

“Oh, Ryan.” Shane says with exasperation.

 

“What?”

 

“You’ve out-dumbed yourself!”

 

“You know I thought-” Shane starts laughing over how ridiculous the image of Ryan with his little water-gun in the holster is. “I thought this was gonna be funny but now I’m actually happy that I have it. It’s holy water inside here-”

 

“I assumed it was holy water.”

 

“I could be like “hey Shane look over at those bushes” - like a demon’s sneaking up on me- “hey shane look over there in the bushes” then-” Ryan pulls the water-gun out of the holster and points it at Shane “don’t try it demon” then fuckin pull it out like that.” Shane continues to laugh over it as they transition back to having Ryan read the script. “Obviously we didn’t come all the way down to Texas to observe a simple old bridge. What brings us to old alton bridge is the meaning of its nickname, the Goatman’s Bridge. There are several legends of bridges acting as gateways to another realm. And perhaps this bridge is one of those gateways. This bridge and the surrounding woods are said to harbor a dark entity. A demon that is half-goat and half-man. The Goatman is said to have quote, “glowing empty eyes”, end quote, and goat-like horns. The reason for this entity’s existence has many iterations. One common story is that Satanists have carried out rituals on the bridge, that opened the door for this demon and perhaps others.” He looks up from the paper and over at Shane “There’s...like, records of people practicing rituals in this forest and on the bridge.”

 

“Yes, people like you.”

 

“How am I the same as a satanist?” Ryan says incredulously.

 

“‘Cause you believe everything they believe.”

 

“Yeah, but I respect it, I stay away from it...that’s the opposite--”

 

“Eh, two sides of the same coin.”

 

“Yeah, and you just gotta decide which side you’re on.”

 

“I am… the- whole other coin.” Shane gestures over to the side as if to indicate ‘I’m over here’

 

“Which coin would that be?.”

 

“Uh just like a chill-ass wheat back penny or something.” Ryan rolls his eyes and continues to read the page.

 

“Another popular story is that a successful African American goat farmer was hung on this bridge by angry klansmen, returning from the dead at the Goatman. However, this version of the story is impossible, as there’s no historical record of this goat farmer even existing. And furthermore, demons are preternatural beings, and therefore, not human.”

 

“You think Father Thomas ever watches these videos and is disappointed in you?” Ryan nods,

 

“Perhaps.”

 

“Probably.”

 

“I… kind of directly disobeyed him in terms of communicating with ghosts, and spirits, and entities, but I’m doing it for the-- the betterment of the science.”

 

“You gonna ever visit him again and show him what you’ve done?”

 

“Yeah, I think I would. Like, for instance, if something happens to me tonight. I’ll go back to him to get a blessing, to cleanse myself.” Shane nods,

 

“You’re gonna need to cleanse yourself.”

 

“But tonight, we’re not here to find out why this demon exists. Our goal tonight is to make contact and hopefully caqqaapture evidence of this elusive and dangerous demon to prove that it’s real. We can only hope that evidence doesn’t come at a great cost.”

 

“Any demons here? Got any any demons out tonight? Any.. horny boys? Or whatever they--” Shane says into the open air over the bridge.

 

“Horny.. boys?”

 

“They got horns. And really aren’t we all horny boys?” He looks over at Ryan, and it might just be a trick of the light but he swears it looks like he’s blushing.

 

“L-let your presence be known. Say something.” Ryan pauses for a few seconds only to be met with silence. “Why are you on this bridge?” Again, silence. “You ask questions.” He says to Shane.

 

“Why are you on this bridge?” Ryan wheezes. “Goatman! You feel that? You feel the Goatman energy?” Shane starts walking around on the bridge.

 

“I don’t like when you say his name.” Ryan follows Shane with his eyes as Shane continues to walk around the bridge.

 

“Feel some goat vibes? You may not like this, I’m gonna try to agitate it. I’m just gonna go--”

 

“You do what you gotta do. And I’ll do what I gotta do.”

 

“I’m just gonna be as crude as possible here.”

 

“Cool.”

 

“Fuck you, Goatman!” Shane yells into the sky.

 

“Holy shit, dude!” Shane looks at Ryan

 

“Is that good?”

 

“I thought you were gonna build your way up.”

 

“No, no, no. Just right out of the gate. Why build up?”

 

“If you don’t believe, then there’s nothing for you to be afraid of, right? You could be as big a prick as you want.”

 

“I guess I can.”

 

“I’ll stand over here.” Ryan moves to stand slightly further away.

 

“Goatman!” Shane starts hopping from leg to leg on the bridge, “I’m dancing on your bridge! It’s my bridge now!” Ryan starts laughing incredulously,

 

“Holy shit!”

 

“You hear that? You want me off this bridge, you’re gonna have to kill me! You’re gonna have to eat my bones!”

 

“Holy shit!”

 

“You’re gonna have to throw me off this bridge yourself!

 

“He did throw somebody off the bridge once.”

 

“Look at the way I dance on it!” Shane intensely continues his odd hopping dance, “I dis-re-spect your bridge, Goatman!”

 

“He’s takin’ names right now.”

 

“You hear that Goatman?”

 

“He’s sharpening his little blades.”

 

“Me and Ryan Bergara own your bridge!” Ryan steps further away

 

“No, don’t loop me into your shit.”

 

“yea-”

 

“Stop looping me, I hate when you do this--”

 

“Well then tell him! Tell him you’re not part of this.”

 

“I’m not part of his little charade.”

 

“You’re talkin’ to Goatman now.” 

 

“I see what you’ve done.”

 

“It’s Goatman entrapment.” Shane turns dramatically to yell at the side of the bridge “Goatman?!” 

 

“I’m not with him-”

 

“They’re gonna put my name in graffiti!”

 

“oh my god- ok”

 

“Children will come here and tell tales of me!” he looks around the bridge. “Yeah I don’t think he’s coming.”

 

“Holy fucking shit Shane! You just demonstrated exactly what not to do!” 

 

“Yeah. But now I own the bridge.”

 

“Tha-that’s not-”

 

“If some other dude can claim a town I can claim the bridge.”

 

After this they finish up filming by exploring the woods and using a ouija board on the bridge. On the walk back to the car Shane pulls Ryan aside before they reach it.

 

“What’s up dude?” says Ryan, as they stand near the edge of the woods.

 

“Well,” Shane says, he takes a breath to psych himself up, “I’ve actually been meaning to tell you for quite a while-”

 

“Is this the bullshit detector thing again because-”

 

“I’m in love with you, you absolute moron.”  Ryan looks shocked for a few seconds before his expression turns annoyed.

 

“Is this some kind of joke? Because if it is I’m not laughing.” Shane looks offended

 

“It’s not a joke Ry, I’ve been trying to think of a way to tell you this whole time.” Ryan expression changes back to one of surprise.

 

“O-oh. Well- I guess- I mean- I’m kinda in love with you too.” Ryan smiles a little and pulls down Shane to his height. “Is this ok?” Shane smiles and wraps his arms around Ryan’s shoulders.

 

“Definitely.” Ryan plants a chaste kiss on Shane’s lips before he laces their fingers together and drags Shane back to the car. For being a demonic half-man half-goat, Goatman sure makes a great matchmaker.


End file.
